Home > fitness, mood > I’m sore and tired

I’m sore and tired

Tomorrow will be the 15th anniversary of my father’s death.

Yesterday morning, I shoveled out from a foot of extremely wet heavy snow. I’m not sure how I kept going on it, other than maybe not losing another personal day allotted to me by work. I had used one on Wednesday, when the surprise morning snow had made driving treacherous and I was also worried that the timing of the forecast could see difficult driving conditions by the evening rush as well. It turned out that the evening commute would have been okay, but oh well.

When I went to sleep Wednesday night at 8, I set the alarm for 4:15. I set it on the cellphone too, because I was worried that the heavy wet snow might cause a power outage. The power did go out, so when I got up, there was no power. Fortunately with a gas stove I could heat up some water and make a cup of decaf coffee. I drank that and listened to the radio, then began shoveling around 5 AM.

Where I live, I guess there’s about 70 yards that needs to get cleared. There is a guy who will come plow, but we’re on the bottom of the list. So that means if I want to get out for whatever reason earlier than he will get to us, I have to shovel.

I started at 5. I finished punching out a path to the road at 11 AM, and will work on clearing out around the mailbox tomorrow morning. It was fairly grueling. I also had to lop some limbs off a yew bush that had been weighted down by the ice and snow, I lopped some of those off until the lopping shears actually broke. Then I worked on removing enough snow and ice to get the limbs high enough that my car could pass under.

The last bit of snow clearing was the worst. The plow on the road had pushed up thick heavy slop that went up about 10 feet onto the driveway. That slop of terror had been slamming off to the side with great force, I can see that my mailbox has been skewed from its original position.

But when I finished at 11, I would have liked a hot cup of coffee and a shower. But no power, so the shower was out. Instead I got dressed and packed for lunch and went into work for the afternoon. Most all of the roads on my way in were snow covered. But there was hardly any traffic, most people were still digging out or staying home.

Power got restored at home around 4:15 so I was glad that I had light and a warm meal when I got home. Then I collapsed into bed around 7:30 and slept in until 6 this morning.

I’m tired still. A bit sore although not as sore as I had feared I might be. Still, I’m pretty fatigued and probably won’t squat tomorrow as I would have done according to the schedule I’m now using. That schedule is like this now, Tuesday, an important lifting day, deadlifts and bench press. I do a lot of repetitions with the deadlift, but I’m limiting the bench press to only 10 reps total, 2 sets of 5. Saturday is the other important lifting day, I do a lot of reps of Zercher squats and then some dips.

2 other days of the week I will do some more accessory type of lifting, although the barbell rows aren’t so accessory and important to maintain upper body pulling strength. But along with the rows, I will do some dumbbell presses and holds with my right arm, Kroc rows with both arms, some barbell curls, and shrugs.

I’ve been weighing in at 167 to 169 pounds over the past week and a half. So this is the largest I’ve ever been.

The left shoulder is slowly improving and coming back. I just keep trying to nudge it along and I’ve also been doing a lot of work with a tennis ball to get at trigger points and improve the fascia. But I don’t know how long it will be until I get back to where I can lift my left arm straight up again. Frozen shoulders suck. My left shoulder hasn’t been as bad as it got with my right shoulder back in 2003/04, because I have worked on trying to keep range of motion, but it still has been tough. There’s been some painful moments when I’ve jerked my left arm in response to something.

I got incredibly sad at one point as I was getting down to the last 20 feet of snow clearing yesterday. It just seemed so futile, an endless struggle to clear a path, then a lonely drive to work where me and 2 others made it, then the drive home. But I ought to be used to it, I’ve understood disconnection and despondence for nearly 41 years now, hell maybe it’s more than 41 years because it might have been imprinted into me long before I was born. It’s just me. I’m an asocial freak in a species that values socialization. It’s not anyone’s fault, it just is.

But I no longer feel like there is anything I can communicate really anymore. There’s something impossible. A jabberwocky maybe. Tis all brillig. Slithy toves. The wonderful nonsense of being an individual. That’s what it’s about maybe. The jabberwocky is you and me, our self-reflections and it’s all nonsense. Everyone of us is nonsense. It’s why I can’t write anymore. I’m not talking about this shit here I’m writing down, this isn’t writing, this is just conjecture, there’s nothing beautiful in any of it, the images, the cadence of the words I’ve used here. It’s not the writing I would like to be able to do, but I can’t remember anymore how to access that. Sometimes I think I hear it, the echo of a whisper underneath a thick blanket of snow, but I can’t hear it really. If I think too hard about that, it increases my despair and I get to where I find my incompetence to be nearly intolerable — and I can’t go there. I can’t go there. I have to remain tolerable to myself.

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