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frustrations

It’s a bit weird. Some days I’m good at tuning out external stimuli and I’m able to remain focused on the thinking I want to do. Then there’s days like today, where I’m reaching a point I would just like for all people around me to disappear so I wouldn’t have to overhear the conversations they are having. Very frustrated, very tired right now from it, I almost wish I had a quiet dark room that I could take refuge in and finally have only my thoughts making noise in my head.

I wonder why this is. Why is it some days I can handle it and then there are days like this? I don’t know.

I can’t even begin to tell you what a relief it was just now to finally have one of those conversations come to an end just now. Finally, peace. No more snippets of other people’s words. Finally. The sound of silence is beautiful. Or I ought to say the sound of only keyboard clicks and computer fans is beautiful.

I’ve been continuing to work on learning French. It’s a frustrating business at times. I certainly comprehend a great deal more as time goes by, but there are times when it seems like all I comprehend more of is how much more I still don’t know, still have to learn. Which is what I’m in right now, a sensation of too much incomprehension. I’m having trouble enjoying what I do comprehend. It’s a bit of a contrast to a couple of weeks ago when I had 3 or 4 nights where I had dreams in French. I can’t vouch for the quality of the French in those dreams, but the people around me were speaking French and I was answering them in French. I was thinking in French in those dreams. But only little bits of French have shown up in dreams since.

I’m working my way through Assimil’s Using French now. I think I need some more structure again and Assimil will provide that. I had a period earlier in the year where I got away from learning French, in fact I did very little, just sometimes reading a bit here and there. That had occurred in response to something and it took a bit of time for me to clear out the bad sensations I had. Then I got back to more exposure to French again — reading, watching movies with French dialogue, working on Pimsleur French 3. But nothing much structured except for the Pimsleur.

I’m frustrated with being diabetic right now too. I feel tired of it. My control is still superb, but I’m tired of the poking and prodding it requires to be controlled.

It doesn’t matter, I guess. Ça ne fait rien. Eventually everything will be forgotten. We’ll all be forgotten. My life would be a happier one if I was good at forgetting. I suspect happy people are forgetful people. It’s the forgetful who see regrets vanish. Memory brings on madness.

I saw a news item the other day about how some puppies had been euthanized. But not all were completely euthanized. One of them was later discovered to still be alive and he was rescued, I believe, from a dumpster. What freaked me out about that was I had an awful imagining of what if Pippin had not been fully euthanized. What if some time after I had buried him, he had woken up? And I thought about that and began crying at the awfulness of it. What would it be like to wake up and find yourself buried in a box, in the dark, conscious and aware?

I’ve been having nightmares since.

It would be a lot easier if I could forget everything.

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