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Archive for July, 2011

solipsism

I woke up from a dream about 45 minutes ago.

The other day I told someone that I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t unhappy. I just was. But I’ve since realized that description was inaccurate. The more accurate description is that I am no longer sure or confident in the knowing of feelings or emotional states. Not in myself, not as described by others of their own.

But maybe perhaps then my dreams aren’t so bizarre as I think they are. What’s bizarre in them is that I feel emotional states. States of terror, or states of longing, or states of grief.

I don’t see how I may get back to knowing any way of knowing my feelings any more. It’s just all incomprehensible.

Maybe that makes me feel sad right now? But I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. How can we know? How do any of us know?

I guess in good news I can raise my left arm a little higher than some time ago when I would first wake up in the morning. The thaw of the shoulder has been slow, it seems in comparison to the right arm. But it may be I’m more active about testing it and seeing what’s going on than with the right arm some years ago. So it just seems slow. So it will come back and some day I will be able to lift both arms up over my head, be able to cross my arms across my chest, able to put my left hand on my hip again.

So far I haven’t noticed anything which would indicate that the GABA has begun to restore beta cells in the pancreas. But I’m going to be patient on trying this. So I’ve got a large quantity of GABA being shipped, a little over 2 months worth. But even if by then I don’t see any change, I will probably order more. Give this at least 4 months to try to see if there is some evidence of less insulin being used. And if that happens, then I keep dosing along in hope that enough beta cells regenerate and I reach a point of being free of injected insulin.

It probably won’t happen. But those crazy dreams still persist even when you’ve lived without beta cells for over 26 years.

I won’t be free of test strips though. I would continue to test blood sugars at least sometimes, to make sure that things were still working.

My eyes itch this morning.

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It never stops

More bad dreams overnight.

—-

But I suppose if there’s a big worry right now, it’s the question of what’s going to happen in Washington and if the debt ceiling limit will be raised. It’s finally happened. The long years of the Republican party courting the fringe elements, courting a caucus of voters who don’t use reality to form their voting opinions, a sluggish economic recovery, a media that’s either outright partisan, Fox News, or a media that’s too careful about giving both sides equal opportunity even when one side is veering off into crazyland, well that gave us the 2010 election results and which saw a large number of Tea Party sorts being elected to the House. I think we should forget labeling their positions and strategies as Tea Party politics. Call it crazytics. Crazytics because much of it is insane and works as a tic-like response to things.

Taxes? Tic — no new taxes!

The White House suggests ideas about eating healthy? Tea Party crazytics — we hate Obama, we hate that he wants to ban foods, we’re going to eat badly in protest.

Energy saving light bulbs? We hate Obama and we hate saving money and the environment.

Then we hate saving money, but we demand that you slash government spending during a recession because we want the government to save money?

Like I said, it’s not politics, it’s crazytics.

Now the crazyticians want to fuck up the United States by possibly forcing the United States to default on its debt. And what will happen if the largest economic power in the world defaults?

It could be bad, really bad.

I miss my beta cells

You’d think after 26 years of type 1 diabetes, they’d be all forgotten by now. It’s not like I even knew them really. We never had conversations. But I still miss them.

Now according to a recent study done up in Canada, it seems that GABA has been able to cure type 1 diabetes in mice. Stopped the loss of beta cells and then allowed their pancreases to regrow beta cells. Well, that’s kinda nice. Of course, just because it worked in mice doesn’t mean it would work in human beings, but the pathways ought to have some similarities.

GABA is also reputed to be helpful in helping people relax. One might also note that type 1 diabetics, deprived of their beta cells, don’t make very much GABA. Which makes me wonder if that’s been a cause over the years for me tending to always feel stressed, tightly wound up.

So I ordered some GABA and it arrived last week. I also hoped that it might calm down the dreams I have at night. The first night after taking some GABA my dreams seemed to scale down in intensity, but the last few nights I’ve been back to the pattern of the last year. Intense dreams, sometimes scary, sometimes deeply sad. Last night was no exception and I woke up at 3. It took a while to fall back asleep, and when I did, it was into a dream about me down at BWI airport, but it was empty and haunted with faint voices only.

I’m tired of me. I’m tired of my dreams.

This world is a faded place.

bleah

I dreamed badly last night. The first one was quick. I went to bed a quarter after 9, and woke up with a start at 9:30. Then it was back to sleep and then waking up at 11:30. Back asleep and then awake at 2:30. I woke again at 4 and didn’t fall back asleep until after 5.

It felt like pulling myself out of tar when the alarm went off.

I had a sad dream in there. I was at a gathering of people I had once worked with, when suddenly I saw a person who I would like to talk to some again. Then they went outside the building we were in and I went out too because someone said that that person had come to see me. I found the person by a table with food and drinks and went to talk to them. “Hey,” I said. The reply was “What?” in a contemptuous voice. I looked away and felt embarrassed, then when I looked again, the person was gone.

Maybe there’s a finite amount of happy dreams we get to have in life and I’ve already used mine up.

missed a spot shaving

I woke from a nightmare at 2, but fell back asleep quickly. Then I had a sad nightmare, not all that terrifying but just horribly sad and it woke me around 4. Couldn’t fall back asleep after that til maybe around 5:30 and then I just felt obliterated when the alarm went off at 6.

I missed a spot under my chin when I shaved this morning.

I golfed yesterday and played really terrible.

Happiness is slippery at best. I rather doubt it’s ever a permanent feature of any person’s life. But it’s impossible to extrapolate my own sense and experience of the world into anyone else’s.

I’m tired. Some day I’ll sleep okay again maybe.

sleep wake sleep wake sleep wake or something like that

Flopped into bed around 8:00, slept til 9, woke up briefly, fell back asleep til 10:30, woke briefly, slept again til a little after 1, had a longer being awake til after 3, woke around 4:30, fell back asleep til 5:30, woke up, fell back asleep and the alarm went off at 6.

Some moderately bad nightmares early on, just strange dreams the rest of the way. I can remember some of the later ones, dreamed I went with my sister and niece to a meetup of diabetics that were in Type 1 diabetes circle on Google+. Sister and niece are not diabetic, but they went along.

One of the diabetics began singing and suddenly I realized he was singing in French. I went over to ask him how did he learn French and he along with someone sitting next to him were speaking French to me.

Then the meeting was ended and I tried to find my way back through the city streets which also went through various restaurants and clubs. At one of the clubs, I was blamed as being the one who spiked this big guy’s drink and he came after me. I saw him coming and calmly slammed my right fist into his nose and dropped him. Then I tried to find my way to the car again, but was lost in the maze of streets and restaurants.

Finally the alarm went off.

It’s no wonder I’m not exactly feeling rested with these dreams. That was one of the least intense ones.

half and half

Woke up from a semi-nightmare a little after 4 and couldn’t get back to sleep. Dreams are ghosts, maybe.

—-

After that 84 a couple of weeks ago, I’ve regressed back to shooting in the 90s. On Saturday, the driver and putter worked very well. I drove the ball the best I have all year, putting a majority of drives in the fairway, and only one bad pull to the left. But I struggled with the irons. Ended up shooting 93, with only 30 putts. 63 shots to get on the green and putting is way too many. 63 shots to get on the green after putting myself in play with good drives is way way too many.

2 standout holes. Hole 4, a good drive that hugged the inner corner of the dogleg to the left, leaving me about 140 yards to a pin on the right side of the green and a bunker looming on the left. I hit a good hard 9-iron that ended up about 10 to 12 feet from the hole and I sank a fairly straight putt for a birdie.

Hole 16, a decent drive, still well short of where I could be if the shoulder was healthy, I hit a fairly solid 8-iron to the green but tugged it a tiny bit left and it landed in the bunker. The pin was on the left of the green, and cut on the slope from the shoulder down from the bunker. It was not going to be an easy bunker shot, short and very little green to work with. I opened up the face on the lob wedge, chocked down on the grip, a couple of fingers touching the metal shaft, and made a good swing, firm and not slowing down. The ball popped up with a high trajectory, a little left of the pin, landed with enough spin to not take off down the slope and came to a rest 1 foot behind the hole. I tapped in for par.

—-

I got an invitation to Google+ on Friday. I joined it. On the weekend, I searched for people who identified themselves as type 1 in their profiles, and began forming a circle of type 1 diabetics.

—-

In the shower in the morning, I try to converse with myself in French, just to help me improve with trying to think in French. I think I’m getting better, but it’s frustrating some, especially when I try to listen to French dialogues that I have no text for. I will catch bits of it, sometimes I will parse out sentences, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and will have my mind drift off into thinking in English.