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solipsism

I woke up from a dream about 45 minutes ago.

The other day I told someone that I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t unhappy. I just was. But I’ve since realized that description was inaccurate. The more accurate description is that I am no longer sure or confident in the knowing of feelings or emotional states. Not in myself, not as described by others of their own.

But maybe perhaps then my dreams aren’t so bizarre as I think they are. What’s bizarre in them is that I feel emotional states. States of terror, or states of longing, or states of grief.

I don’t see how I may get back to knowing any way of knowing my feelings any more. It’s just all incomprehensible.

Maybe that makes me feel sad right now? But I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. How can we know? How do any of us know?

I guess in good news I can raise my left arm a little higher than some time ago when I would first wake up in the morning. The thaw of the shoulder has been slow, it seems in comparison to the right arm. But it may be I’m more active about testing it and seeing what’s going on than with the right arm some years ago. So it just seems slow. So it will come back and some day I will be able to lift both arms up over my head, be able to cross my arms across my chest, able to put my left hand on my hip again.

So far I haven’t noticed anything which would indicate that the GABA has begun to restore beta cells in the pancreas. But I’m going to be patient on trying this. So I’ve got a large quantity of GABA being shipped, a little over 2 months worth. But even if by then I don’t see any change, I will probably order more. Give this at least 4 months to try to see if there is some evidence of less insulin being used. And if that happens, then I keep dosing along in hope that enough beta cells regenerate and I reach a point of being free of injected insulin.

It probably won’t happen. But those crazy dreams still persist even when you’ve lived without beta cells for over 26 years.

I won’t be free of test strips though. I would continue to test blood sugars at least sometimes, to make sure that things were still working.

My eyes itch this morning.

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