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The bottom of darkness

We’re now 3 weeks away from the winter solstice here in the Northern hemisphere.  It sometimes feels like living in cave. Wake up when it’s dark, leave work as it’s getting dark. Even when I do get outside in the sunshine, it doesn’t feel all that substantial, the sun sits low in the sky and there’s likely to at least be a chill in the air and it will likely keep getting colder for some time now.

I have, for the most part, been sleeping better. At least my dreams seem to have dropped in intensity. I’m having fewer prolonged middle of the night wakeups, but maybe it’s just because I’m so weary I could fall asleep again after most anything.

I feel rather disconnected whenever talking with anyone else. It feels like there’s this impossibility of communication somehow, that it’s impossible to convey anything. I end up wondering whether anybody ever actually communicates with another person. Maybe it’s all illusion, an illusion that people convince themselves of because it’s otherwise a peak into a reality that’s nearly madness. But that’s ridiculous and I know that, but that doesn’t mean I can consciously direct my feelings to behave themselves. The feelings are just there.


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