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dreams of dad

December 24, 2012 Leave a comment

I’ve been having lots of dreams lately with dad. It’s been a long time since I had so many, seeing how it’s going to be 17 years that he died this coming January. In the last one that I remember, he was showing me a complex form of calculus that could be used to figure out a one-rep max from a person’s weightlifting. I couldn’t make much sense of it and told him how I just always kind of went by with how if someone could make 10 reps with a weight, that weight would be approximately 75% of the one rep max weight. Then you just sort of approximate the rest, I said.

Another dream last night turned semi-lucid for a bit. In it, I suddenly noticed there were lots of snowflakes floating around in the air and I could see them in vivid detail. I thought, wow, my dreams are high-def. Which was the point that the dream became semi-lucid as I had become aware that I was dreaming. I continued to float around in the dream and thought that looking at my right palm would be interesting in high-def, but found it was hard to see because of the twilight conditions. I thought to myself, no problem, and conjured up a ball of light in my left palm to shine light and with that I could see very clearly the scar that’s on my right wrist, although it was strangely shifted a bit to one side of the arm. That’s when I began losing more control of the dream and I noticed that a giant, way giant, farm tractor combine was coming down the road. And that it was going to run me over. I tried to run, but couldn’t. But in spite of how I couldn’t move, I remained very calm about how I was going to be run over, as I reasoned that it was only a dream. Sure enough it ran me over and chopped me up, but there was no pain and the dream drifted off in a new direction, and I woke up some time later.

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It was crazy windy on Saturday this last weekend. I woke up during the night because of how loud it was blowing and then all day long it just kept blowing. It wasn’t the coldest of days, but 40 degrees with a lot of wind is uncomfortable. Yesterday it was slightly colder, but comfortable outside because the air was fairly still and a good amount of sun was shining. Still I went out for a walk in the afternoon and it wasn’t too bad back in the woods, although I felt some nervousness about the possibility of branches falling. Saw a couple of hawks flying around. I wonder if they like a lot of wind like that.

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And 2012 is almost done. The left shoulder is a lot better than it was at the start of the year. I’ve gotten stronger again thanks to the last 5 weeks. I still mostly just talk to myself for conversation and that’s not good, but I just always feel so lost when actually talking to other people. I don’t think I’m anti-social, just more asocial and utterly confused by how it is other people manage to converse and interact. Sometimes I feel frustration from the lack of that in my life and get near to crying. Other times it just sits by itself blankly in the corner, a fact of things that I don’t need to think about if I concentrate on something else.

I still can’t string any words together that would make it past my sense of what I feel poetry is. That frustrates me greatly.

Onwards to 2013.